Friday, October 05, 2007

Thievery 101

I would like to share with you a fool-proof plan I discovered for getting away with stealing edible objects. This plan will only work for edible objects. Although, I am currently devising a plan to allow for the successful robbery of non-edibles as well.

Fool-Proof Plan For Stealing Edible Objects So That You Will Get Away With Eating Your Edible Object

Edible Object: edible objects includes all items that can be consumed at a quick rate that does not require surgery or a trip to the veterinarian for expulsion. Items such as the following: paper, paper plates, netflix wrappers, toilet paper, tissue paper, dryer sheets, things that fall from the kitchen counter (excluding knives, forks, spoons, plates-unless paper-basically any wooden, metal or sharp object), hairpins, pennies, nickels, dimes and any other hard object that is quickly consumed but only slightly painful during non-surgical or veterinary assisted expulsion.

Step One:
Find a large structure. This large structure needs to be large enough you can fit under that is too small for a human or one that requires a lot of energy and effort for the human to crawl under.
Step Two:
Once this structure has been identified-find your edible object.
Step Three:
When human is not looking, swipe your object
If human is watching you-grab item and run-
Step Four:
Take stolen object and hide under structure

Step Five:
Enjoy your object. This is the most crucial step of all because you must savor each moment with your object before you might be quickly required to devour it.

Step Six A:
You have successfully devoured your stolen object before human ever saw you-Congratulations.
If this is not the case see Step Six B.

Step Six B:
Human discovers stolen object and finds you under the structure. At this point the human tells you to "release" or "drop it." Do not worry about the human.

The trick is to lure them far underneath the structure as is physically possible. When they reach the center you must quickly dart out from under your hiding place.

At this point, you have approximately 10 seconds to finish devouring your object before the human emerges from the structure. (Timing here depends upon the size of the structure in relation to your human).

If your human emerges too quickly or you have trouble eating your stolen item, your option is to repeat steps four through six. In worst case scenario, you will have to comply with the human. We pugs, do not negotiate with humans. If you do, we will have to enforce punishment upon you.

Step Seven: Final Step
Once you successfully complete step six, you must pretend to play "chase" with your human. They are easily tricked into thinking that this was all a game. Your constant circle running and darting back and forth between rooms and the human, will make them forget all about the stolen object.

If you are especially charming you can make them think that they made the whole thing up in their mind. Directions for this option are as follows: Creep up to the human, sit down, crinkle your forehead and stare at them. That's right, give them "THE LOOK." Every human is susceptible to this look if done properly. If necessary, but only in extreme cases, give them a whimper or two.

_Oscar Tiberius

If you have found this fool-proof plan to be fool-proof and would like to send a donation my way, please feel free to do so. Your donation will aid in my research and experimental studies on how to get away with stealing non-edible objects.

DISCLAIMER: This plan is only proven successful for the Pug breed. Although it may be highly-successful in other dog breeds, its success rate may not be as high for dogs with longer-snouts, blue eyes, lack of extra skin, and for those with the ability to always portray the emotion of happiness-also known as smiling. The success rate may also depend upon the size of your secret structure as well as the size and agility of your human. This plan was not tested with Pugs and small children. This plan is also doomed for failure when executed by mastiffs, great danes, dobermans and any similarly sized dog.

WARNING: Eating edible objects comes with its own set of risks in which I will not be held accountable.

Successful execution of this plan may result in involuntary vomiting. If this is the case you must do what I do: leave "fresh" piles of vomit in various places around your home. Hide them well so that the humans do not find them right away or may accidentally step in them. I also discovered that you can successfully, fully awake your humans by puking on their legs at 5:00 AM. If you are lucky and your parents arise early, unlike mine, you might get an early morning feeding.

I will also not be held accountable for any surgical or veterinary removal of items as I specifically defined "edible objects" at the very beginning of this plan.

I will not be held accountable for your inability to read or your laziness to properly follow instructions.


The Devil Dog said...

Oscar, that is a truly genius plan and while I love it, mom is not happy to have it in writing. See, I just wait til mom goes to work then I have free range of the kitchen and anything she happens to leave lying around. And that, sometimes, is a lot. heh heh.

Momo :) said...

Oscar!!! I wish I had this while I was a puppy!!!! I could have my job done so much better!!

Momo xoxo

the Corgi Girls said...

This is GREAT!!! We think you should write a handbook... excellent work Oscar!

Goodboy Norman Featherstone said...

I love your methods Oscar, but your intentions puzzle me. Why exactly would you want to eat an inedible object like a dryer sheet?

Scrappy and Pebbles said...

Ooops mommy just covered Pebbles eyes so that she cannot see the screen. Great plan though


FleasGang said...

Thoroughly tried and tested on "mid-sized" pups such as cocker spaniels. Works great with the exception that in some studies, larger canines tend to think they are fully hidden under structures only to realize to late that their hind-quarters are in full view of humans. Regardless, our donation is in the mail.

The FleasGang