Monday, October 29, 2007

Punished Through Torture

Part Three

I was asleep, cuddled up on the couch next to my Dad when I sensed my Mother reach over to the end table and pick up the torture device-the nail clippers. Needless to say, and faithful blog readers will already know this, but I feel the need to stress that I really, really hate having my feet touched and my nails clipped. Oh, I know, I know-it's all in my head. "I couldn't possibly feel anything, see it doesn't hurt." WHAT DO THE HUMANS KNOW?! I say, do they have claws? NO! And do they know what it feels like to have a claw cut? Didn't think so. Ok. So, I guess it doesn't hurt too much. It just depends.

You see, several weeks ago, Mommy took me to the vet to have my bum leg checked out and she told the vet to trim my nails. Well, things happened and I was terrified and there was no way I was letting them come near me again, especially after they puffed medicine up my nose.
The Dr. told Mom that she needed to get me used to the nail clippers again.

Since then, the nail clippers have stayed on the end table to remind me how cruel my parents can be. They'll touch my feet and if that goes well, they'll hold the nail clippers up for me to see. When I don't freak out, they start rubbing it on my paw and if I don't have a panic attack they'll try to cut my nail. They think it is some huge victory if they cut off a little, tiny, tiny piece of my nail. Then they start praising me and giving me treats and I soak it all up and try to get more treats. How, I love the praise! But then, it occurs to me why I got the praise in the first place. How, I abhor those nail clippers!

Back to my story. I sensed Mother pick up the nail clippers, but I was half asleep dreaming about that cute yorkie I met at the dog park. I dreamt I reached up with my paw to slap her so she'd chase me when all of a sudden I woke up screaming and terrified!

That woman clipped my nail!!!! And not only that, it hurt! You know what she said? "Don't worry, I think it just scared him. I think he's OK. Maybe I shouldn't blindside him like that." Oooh, ya think?!

Next thing I know, I'm bleeding. Deja vu anyone? Not only that, but they didn't even have styptic powder. Next thing, I know they're shoving my foot into a small bowl of flour.

They locked me in the kitchen and dredged my paw in flour. OK. So, I'll be honest. They cut my quick, but just barely. As soon as I saw the flour, I forgot all about the nail that was clipped. I focused my attention on that flour. I made a big mess on the flour, err because of that woman. All the loose flour fell off of my paw, so I licked it up. And, when the woman wasn't looking, I put my face in the bowl to eat the flour.

I was having a great day. My parents were home for the evening, I cleaned off their coffee table for them to make room for the french fries, ate french fries and then got my nails clipped. I don't think that's fair! I wish, they ate out that night and didn't come home till bed time!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Rewarded For Scratching the Table

Part Two of a Three Part Story

Well, I received a lot of positive comments from other dog bloggers about me scratching up my parent's coffee table. Although, I didn't do it on purpose, I am quite proud of my accomplishment. In fact, I got rewarded by Daddy for doing so. *Truth be told: Daddy didn't see what I did, although the evidence is quite alarming*

French Fries, are my favorite snack food. Or, one of them at least. Remember, I mentioned in my last post about the best smelling food? Well, it was McDonalds and they brought french fries!! I was really, really hoping to get my own box this time, but it didn't happen. So, I looked to Daddy to share.
When Mommy has french fries she always shares with me. But that night, she pulled out the very last french fry, when she finally noticed me starting at her. She gave me her last fry, and apologized for not thinking of me earlier. I hoped Daddy would give me fries since Mommy decided to hoard them all. I'm going to tell her she's fat!

So I propped myself up on his leg and dug my nails into him in nervous anticipation. And waited.

Then, I saw that glorious, crispy fried fat stick in his hand. He held it up for me to see and then, I knew it was mine.
But, he held it there for seconds that seemed like hours! Are you going to give it to me or not? I was really impatient so then I decided to go for it! I'm taking what is rightfully mine! What?! I thought I deserved it after I almost broke my legs on that dangerous coffee table! Wouldn't you agree?

It was so very yummy-salty, crunchy and oily...just the way I like my fries. That was the first of many fries that were to come my way that night.

My evening turned into a great evening when I ate those fries. What could possibly go wrong? I thought. I was having a great time eating french fries with Daddy, cuddling on the couch with my parents, napping, ect. Then, Mommy reached over onto the end table and my perfect evening totally came to a screeching halt!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The Dangerous Table

Part One of a Three Part Story

First off, I want to apologize for not blogging this week! My parents were very busy and they were out-of-town the last few days! They went to Washington DC and Mommy didn't have time to update my blog! I have a lot to blog about though! So stay posted, hopefully we'll update this a lot over the next few days!

On to my story. I almost got in HUGE trouble the other night, but luckily, my handsome looks and charming personality got me out of it! The other night, my parents left me in my crate while they ran errands.

When they came home they had the best smelling food with them and I had to find out what it was. I was so excited when they let me out my crate such that I started running huge laps around the apartment. Somehow, I found myself on top of the coffee table where I slipped and slided around on the books and magazines. I slipped and fell straight on my belly as if I had strings attached to me arms and legs pulling them straight out from under me. I jumped back off, slipped and fell a bit more and then jumped to the couch. My back legs slipped off the couch and the rest of me slid off the couch cushions along with them. I finally pulled myself back onto the couch and turned around to face the bag of food that was somehow the only item left on the coffee table.

Mommy was laughing, until she realized that with all the slipping and sliding on the coffee table I could have done some damage. Which I did do. I scratched up their table really good! I thought I was going to be in trouble when I saw Mommy's jaw close and then she said, "Oh, great, what did that do to our table?" She was sort of laughing when she said that, but I could tell that I was in big trouble when she turned to Daddy and said, "Look at what he did!! It's not just a little scratch either."

I mean, it's not really my fault. Yeah, I know I'm not supposed to be on top of the coffee table. I didn't do tt on purpose..I just, sort of, found myself on top of it and didn't know what to do. One moment I'm standing on top of the table and the next moment I'm laying flat on top of it with my arms and legs straight out from underneath me. If Mommy cleaned up the table instead of throwing all her library books, dvds, and magazines on top of it, that probably wouldn't have happened. Speaking of which-I did her a favor. I amazingly cleaned all of the clutter off the table in seconds and left the most important item-the food.

Monday, October 15, 2007


As a member and Director of the Uniform Division of the Secret Police of the PALBWAATHRODCBWDTPTHHWPQ (Pugs Against Lazy Bloggers Who Adversely Affect The Honorable Reputation Of Dedicated Canine Bloggers Who Do Their Part To Help Humans' Workdays Pass Quickly) I am now required to not let three work days go by without blogging. Otherwise, I will be stripped of my title and my membership.

Now, since this policy was created today and my last post was posted on Sunday (I had written Friday, but didn't post till Sunday), I hope that the policy does not go into affect until today.
I only hope that my Mother's laziness, which she passes off as extreme fatigue, won't interfere with my job duties as Director of the Uniform Division of the Secret Police or my blogging. I don't want her to be the reason as to why I get kicked out of the PALBWAATHRODCBWDTPTHHWPQ.

Also this is a message to those who are a part of the PALBWAATHRODCBWDTPTHHWPQ: the secret police are watching you. Don't assume we don't know what you are or are not up to.

For membership questions contact Winston. For questions on policy please direct those to Goodboy Norman Featherstone.

Anyway, here are some pictures of me eating peanut butter.

Several weeks ago, Mommy made peanut butter bars-which I love-and she let me lick off the spoon before she put it in the dishwasher.

I couldn't quite get it off of my chin.

I eventually gave up and sat on the kitchen rug. I thought I'd save the rest for later when I had more energy to get it off my chin.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Thievery 101

I would like to share with you a fool-proof plan I discovered for getting away with stealing edible objects. This plan will only work for edible objects. Although, I am currently devising a plan to allow for the successful robbery of non-edibles as well.

Fool-Proof Plan For Stealing Edible Objects So That You Will Get Away With Eating Your Edible Object

Edible Object: edible objects includes all items that can be consumed at a quick rate that does not require surgery or a trip to the veterinarian for expulsion. Items such as the following: paper, paper plates, netflix wrappers, toilet paper, tissue paper, dryer sheets, things that fall from the kitchen counter (excluding knives, forks, spoons, plates-unless paper-basically any wooden, metal or sharp object), hairpins, pennies, nickels, dimes and any other hard object that is quickly consumed but only slightly painful during non-surgical or veterinary assisted expulsion.

Step One:
Find a large structure. This large structure needs to be large enough you can fit under that is too small for a human or one that requires a lot of energy and effort for the human to crawl under.
Step Two:
Once this structure has been identified-find your edible object.
Step Three:
When human is not looking, swipe your object
If human is watching you-grab item and run-
Step Four:
Take stolen object and hide under structure

Step Five:
Enjoy your object. This is the most crucial step of all because you must savor each moment with your object before you might be quickly required to devour it.

Step Six A:
You have successfully devoured your stolen object before human ever saw you-Congratulations.
If this is not the case see Step Six B.

Step Six B:
Human discovers stolen object and finds you under the structure. At this point the human tells you to "release" or "drop it." Do not worry about the human.

The trick is to lure them far underneath the structure as is physically possible. When they reach the center you must quickly dart out from under your hiding place.

At this point, you have approximately 10 seconds to finish devouring your object before the human emerges from the structure. (Timing here depends upon the size of the structure in relation to your human).

If your human emerges too quickly or you have trouble eating your stolen item, your option is to repeat steps four through six. In worst case scenario, you will have to comply with the human. We pugs, do not negotiate with humans. If you do, we will have to enforce punishment upon you.

Step Seven: Final Step
Once you successfully complete step six, you must pretend to play "chase" with your human. They are easily tricked into thinking that this was all a game. Your constant circle running and darting back and forth between rooms and the human, will make them forget all about the stolen object.

If you are especially charming you can make them think that they made the whole thing up in their mind. Directions for this option are as follows: Creep up to the human, sit down, crinkle your forehead and stare at them. That's right, give them "THE LOOK." Every human is susceptible to this look if done properly. If necessary, but only in extreme cases, give them a whimper or two.

_Oscar Tiberius

If you have found this fool-proof plan to be fool-proof and would like to send a donation my way, please feel free to do so. Your donation will aid in my research and experimental studies on how to get away with stealing non-edible objects.

DISCLAIMER: This plan is only proven successful for the Pug breed. Although it may be highly-successful in other dog breeds, its success rate may not be as high for dogs with longer-snouts, blue eyes, lack of extra skin, and for those with the ability to always portray the emotion of happiness-also known as smiling. The success rate may also depend upon the size of your secret structure as well as the size and agility of your human. This plan was not tested with Pugs and small children. This plan is also doomed for failure when executed by mastiffs, great danes, dobermans and any similarly sized dog.

WARNING: Eating edible objects comes with its own set of risks in which I will not be held accountable.

Successful execution of this plan may result in involuntary vomiting. If this is the case you must do what I do: leave "fresh" piles of vomit in various places around your home. Hide them well so that the humans do not find them right away or may accidentally step in them. I also discovered that you can successfully, fully awake your humans by puking on their legs at 5:00 AM. If you are lucky and your parents arise early, unlike mine, you might get an early morning feeding.

I will also not be held accountable for any surgical or veterinary removal of items as I specifically defined "edible objects" at the very beginning of this plan.

I will not be held accountable for your inability to read or your laziness to properly follow instructions.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

The New Bed

My parents finally got their new bedroom set and they've bought new blankets and a new down blanket. It's been a much celebrated item in our house because we've been without a bedroom set for two years. Well, I've been without a bedroom set for about a year and eight months, but who's counting. Mommy won't even give me drawer space for my clothes, toys and blankets. I don't think that is fair, but at least they have given me the bed.

I'm getting really tired of them encroaching upon my space when I am trying to get some real sleep. It's not fair that Mommy or Daddy won't let me sleep on their laps when they are in the car or eating at the kitchen table or snoring in their faces while they watch TV from the couch. Yet, now that I have ownership of the big bed, they decide to jump in my bed, shove me around and leave me a small sliver of the bed and my 5 foot body pillow.

It just wears me out. I try to get a good nights sleep and it's nearly impossible. After a rough day of napping in my crate, begging for food when the rents are home and soliciting play, I deserve a good nights sleep. I get in bed and begin my ritual of cleansing myself.

What?! I seriously had an itch. So anyway, when I settle in to sleep-it is at this point, that my parents start shoving me around and pushing and pulling on me. It always seems like they do this when I first start drifting into sleep.

I don't know what to do. I've tried discouraging them from getting in my bed by chasing them around on the bed and biting their fingers. I wish it were just too small for them to comfortably sleep in. It'd still be much bigger than my old bed. I need a new plan of action.